I have been feeling strange lately - I can't even seem to spell words correctly nor put my thoughts together like I used to. I don't even know if anybody would be interested in reading this entry. Got no one to talk to, honestly so I decided to face my laptop today and write something that would make me a l'il useful.
I am feeling depressed. I guess I really am. Yes. I am.
Insecurities have been flooding my mind since I went back to Iloilo for a vacation. It has extremely affected me to the point that I cry over something stupid - of me being a "mere" Music student and not as everybody has thought of me as Nursing graduate.
I am turning 24 this year and I am still in school - yes, still in school. I do enjoy music more than anything more so and so I decided to take up B.M. Music - Voice and quit Nursing. It was 7 years ago and that I never felt any regrets - up until now when everybody began to ask me that lame question over and over again, "Grad ka na? Nurse ka?"
Hearing that, I fall silent and with a little reservation I would answer back, "Talaga? mukha pala akong nurse. Salamat ha! Ako'y isang hamak na musikero lamang.."
I don't intend to insult nurses nor do I intend to belittle my fellow musicians - it's just that, after so long, I have realized that music is my life but it won't bring me anywhere. It is true that I am happy with my craft and that it has made me stronger and a better person - met people, love them. But life isn't just about me, nor being a music student - it is how you make the most of it.
I thought to myself, "Am I being selfish of taking us this course because it makes me happy? Is this really what I want?" Questions slowly rush inside my head, memories I thought forgotten began creeping like poison - I am down again. Then I remembered, "Butol man ka kay music ra man gud ka gud!" (You're stupid because you're only a music student) Some bitch-slapping I guess.
Thoughts are rushing in again. It kills me.