The World Is A Small Ocean (Series 1)

Life has given me bitter-sweet memories that I would carry for the rest of my life. Death will always be a poignant reminder of the things that could have been but have not. Tears are the only weapon I cling on to. Putting back into pieces what I once had is a painful step. Things haven't been easy and life for me has always been a struggle between sadness and optimism. I don't consider it a baggage. Not even as a burden. It has made me whole and empty.

 

I cannot deny that fact. It has been too prevalent in me. Too obvious not to be seen nor felt. Too loud not to be heard. But then again, all I have are memories. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 Sometimes people come to our lives for a reason. They come. They go. And even fate can’t stop them. I have had my bitter share of all these in my lifetime. You never get what you want unless you take it. But people don’t belong to people forever. That is the sad reality. No matter how much we stop it from happening, it will.

Looking back, I have people I am very much indebted to – people who have, in one way or another, molded and honed me of who I am now – for the best and worst. They will never be forgotten. This will be a series of random thoughts and bitter rantings – an endless reminder that YOU, in a way, contributed in my life.

 

The world is a small ocean - too small for a big fish like me.

I am where I am now because of you. You have always discouraged me because you thought I was too good for you. I used to believe that. I don’t know if I still do. You have made me feel shitty of me not pursuing a medical course and made me think that music is the life I should live. You made me think that a life of a musician and artist won’t be enough to feed a hungry mouth. I thought so too before. Things are different now. I remember that time when I promised myself that one day you’ll be happy for me too. Now, years after we both said goodbye, I hoped to have you back. But no matter what I do, you’re too good for me. Since then, you always caught me off guard. Every time I move closer, you start to drift further away. It was painful. It still is. I am angered by the thought that I know you are always there – a silent spectator of my life. I have long wanted to hear from you. But you have turned deaf-mute to me. I would not expect anything anymore. You have made my life colorful and with that I am very much thankful.

I Sing Once More

Sometimes, people come to our lives for a reason - to break us into pieces so that we could learn how to be whole again, to make us thread on the angst of pain in order for us to smile once more. Painful but in a way true.

They always come uninvited at your lowest, raise you to heaven and let you fall into the dungeons of sadness. It's as if it fate has purposely written it on our palms and meant to be left that way. And we allow them to come into our lives hoping that they will make our darker days a little brighter. We build our hopes again. We begin to smile. "Everything will be fine now," we say to ourselves. Days start to become optimistic with us ignoring the storm that awaits us. They do make our being whole again - but only for a short span of time. But the scar they have left will be etched eternally to our souls and being.

Sleepless nights still come knocking on my door and would inevitably sit beside me. It has become my companion all these years and I have freely embraced it. For the last four years of me writing, pain and tears had brought out the best in me. It has been the melody of my soul and some were unsung and left unheard. It has become the entity of who I am now. My past still haunts me - full of regrets and wishful thinking - of "what-ifs" and "what-could-have-beens." Many questions still waiting for answers and wounds left open waiting to be healed.

A lot has happened that were left unwritten. Sometimes I get to think that it is better to be alone - no hurts, no tears. Year after year, those memories get more vivid and clear. And it pierces my heart again and again. It still makes tears well on my eyes. Slowly, uncertainties and anger cloak my heart. I have ached down to my core and allowed it to stay with me for long a time. I have celebrated life with scorn and pain - faking every smile and killing every little bit of optimism there is left.

Time ran dry and dreams were broken - never to be whole again. "If I could only turn back time." But that will never happen again.

And I missed playing the melody of my life. I want to hear it sung again. And let it fly one more time.

I Will Not Falter

I have been too silent for a long time. My thoughts have slumbered by itself unwilling to sprout. My words have been muted by certain circumstances that stop me from telling everyone how I feel about the world. I have been too scared to open myself again. Too scared to trust. My heart is fragile like any other glass slowly being tipped off and worn out by time.

I have thrown myself in a place where everything is new not thinking too much of the consequences that lay ahead me. I have been too stubborn and that has led me here where I am now. I missed home and the people I love. I missed doing the things I love to do - reading a book or two, giggling about silly nothings, crying my worries out until my eyes swell, fooling around with our dog, cooking my favorite food and even eating a simple meal with the person so dear to me. I missed all of those.

Now I am in a foreign land. And I know that this will surely be a long journey. But I will not fail. I will not falter.