I know happiness lies within my soul but I can't deny the fact that i feel anxious most of the time. Sad in the sense that things aren't going exactly the way I want them to be.
Sleeping too much or too little.
My class schedule is from 8am down to 9pm. No joke. I don't go home for lunch so I don't have enough time to have siesta. I sleep at around 1am and unfortunately, I always find myself waking up at 3am having a hard time to go back to bed again. It irritates me. I feel hopeless.
Waking up in the middle of the night unable to sleep again.
Like what I said earlier, I wake up around 3am. I have a hard time going back to sleep. If ever I feel the need to go back to sleep again, it would be useless - it's 7am (and my class starts at 8am).
Marked reduction of weight or weight-gain like eating too little or too much.
My weight hasn't been stable for 2 years now. I lost 40lbs. last summer though and it was really abrupt. Now I am starting to gain everything back again. When I'm sad, I tend to eat a lot. Often times, I eat nothing. (Or is it the effects of quiting smoke?!)
Loss of pleasure and interest in activities once enjoyed.
I love multi-tasking so much. But things have changed since what happened to me since June. I don't know. I love playing the piano but my interest slowly faded away. I have been trying to tell myself that it's just one bad day. But as the day comes to a close, things didn't fall into place. My piano recital even sucked. God!
Restlessness and irritability.
I am one patient person. That was years ago. Or am I having early andropoause?
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment.
Coughing is a sudden and often repetitively occurring defencereflex which helps to clear the large breathing passages from excess secretions, irritants, foreign particles and microbes. Or say, sneezing. Rhinorrhea (runny nose)? It last for a month. Been drinking all sorts of medicines but to no avail. *sigh*
Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions.
I can concentrate. I lot. But I have one serious problem, I begin to forget things easily. I even forgot that I'm having my birthday this October not until my bestfriend told me. Pathetic! Decision-making? I can't even decide what and where to eat. Inutil!
Fatigue and loss of energy like no energy to get out of bed.
See?! I can't even answer this stupid thing.
Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless.
Remember number two?! I always find myself waking up at 3am having a hard time to go back to bed again. It irritates me. I feel hopeless. What do you think?
Thoughts of suicide or death.
Death has always been my fascination. I am a suicidal kid at 8. Nah. I don't want to talk about it nor think about it.
Mangilan-ilan lang ang mga taong totoo sa mapangahas at malamig nating mundo. Alam nila kung papaano kiliti-in ang puso ng iba. Ang kaligayahan nila’y walang-halong pagbabalat-kayo, ang kanilang mga ngiti’y totoo at ang kanilang pag-kalinga’y hindi naghahanap ng ano mang kapalit. Makikita mo sa bawat kilos nila.
Mangilan-ilan lang ang mga taong nakakaguhit ng isang malaking ngiti sa aking mga labi. Mga taong tinutuyo ang bawat luhang dumadaloy sa ating mga mata. Ang puso nila’y bukas para kanino man – laging may nakalaang puwang sa bawat nilalang.
Sa unang tining, animo’y ordinaryong tao lang din sila. Titigan mo’t kilalanin at ang mga mata nila’y isinisiwalat ang tunay nilang anyo – na sila’y mga nilalang na hindi nagkukunwari’t bukas sa bawat pagbabago ng buhay. Kaibigan.
Ang pagkakaibiga’y ating kalinga – parang kumot na binabalot mo sa iyong katawan kung ika’y giniginaw; parang unan na hinihigaan mo kung ika’y pagod at inaantok; parang mga kamay na hinahawakan ka kapag ika’y nalulungko’t nangangamba; parang panyo, pinupunasan ang bawat luha mo.
Paminsan-minsan, dito natin hinugot ang ating lakas – parang init ng haring-araw sa tuwing ika’y nababasa sa ulan; parang musika na pinapawi ang iyong kalungkutan, pinapakalma ang magulo mong isipan; parang kaning binubusog ang kumakalam mong sikmura; parang balikat na iyong nasasandala’t na-iiyakan sa tuwing ika’y sinusubok ng panahon.
O hindi kaya’y bunga ng pagmamahal – parang isang inang hindi nagsasawa sa pag-aruga sa’yo; parang isang ama, haligi ng tahanan; parang ate na itinatago ang bawat sikreto’t kabulastugan mo; parang kuya na palaging handing umakay sa’yo’t palaging nandyan para sa’yo; parang si bunso na minamahal ka kung ano at sino ka pa.
Ang lahat ng ito’y nagpapaalala sa atin na may mga taong palaging nasa ating likuran – handang tumulong at magmamahal sa’yo. Sila ang mga taong nagbibigay sa’tin ng pag-asa, nagbibigay lakas at tiwala sa ating mga sarili, mga taong naniniwala sa ating mga kakayahan, mga taong hinding-hindi sumuko sa’yo. Mga taong nandyan sa bawat ngiti at unos ng iyong buhay.
I have been too troubled the past weeks. Nothing comes into my head. My depression ate all the literary thoughts I have been having. I tried fighting back but everything was in vain. It was painful, devastating.
It started when my grandfather died. Then everything came rushing in - like a domino. Twas unstoppable. I didn't see it coming. It has almost been a month now. I am trying to regain strength - emotionally.
It was only this past day when I read something so sweet, so assuring.
"Dear soldier, I see that you're tired. I tell you, drop your sword and put down your shield."
Yes, I was tired. Too tired of fighting another battle in my life.
"Why worry about the fight?"
I wanted to save myself. I needed to be strong. I should. I must. So I thought.
"After all, it's not your battle. It's mine"
Yours? Then why am I in all these bullcrap then?
"All you have to do is to be in the battle field."
And then what? Get myself killed? Lose everything again? Pathetic!
"Then, against the thousand who tried to destroy you, there I will stand and rescue you."
It did not happen only once. If my mind would serve me right, yes I was there. They tried to destroy me. They won. My failure prevailed. Where were you?
"Winning this war requires neither me nor you but rather ME AND YOU."
All hope is gone. I am weak - too weak to fight, to weak to lose, to weak to win.
"Just do your best."
I always do. But it never seemed to fall into place.
"I'll take care of the rest."
Yes, yes I'll rest.
"Your commander, Jesus"
It won't be easy - to let things be. To let it go. To silently face each day hoping and believing that everything will be okay. I know it won't. I know it'll never be. Things aren't the same anymore. Not anymore. It'll never be. Never.