diSiLLuSioNmEnTs

"MALIGNANT SEPARATION OF 1999"

It is, so they thought, the solution to this marriage-from-hell, the answer to a battered woman’s prayer, the remedy for the hopeless case of polygamy, the super-hero who saves the innocent victims from those bad villains.

With all these, we all did get hurt. And with all those, we have cut our hearts deeply leaving scars – scars that would, for all eternity, remind us of that painful recollection we have had. It is embodied in those scars that our existence has shaken the core of the earth and was blown by the winds of time. Yes, my parents separated.

All went by so fast as if it never happened. I and my brothers had endured all the pains and strive of what my father has become. Everyday seemed like an endless torment – a scenario you never wished to have seen.

We have been bounded to the stereotypes of our old-aged tradition – that family and God work hand in hand resulting to quarrels and injury – my father left home not to work but to find another haven, we, becoming juvenile delinquents, who were so rebellious and unstoppable ignoring the real epitome of the home as a means of escape.

It did set us free from the grasp of the monstrous monster. It gave us space – some air to breathe – and another shot to a might-be-so-good-a-relationship. It became our fall-back who were led astray by his selfish thirst for lust, money, power and justification for all the transgressions that have had arisen. It is letting lose from strangulation of all the complexities of married life towards a road leading to nowhere. Empathy does not justify the recurring commotions nor does pity rationalize the sorrows one has suffered – a nadir to all your grievances – an unfathomable pit of the disfigurement of one’s heart and mind.

"THE AWAKENING"

I have known many and different kinds of people in my life. I’ve met men who are caring and sensitive and men who are cruel and calculating. I’ve known women who are sincere and honest and women who are jealous and hateful. I’ve seen smiles filled with lies and tears wet with truths. I’ve shared time with those who have needed me and I’ve been by myself when I was in need. I’ve been associated with people who are dreamers but not doers and with people who make promises but never keep them. I’ve found myself learning how to understand all these personalities and to avoid those that cause my life’s sadness.

With all these, one gets to go through and discover what fate has in stored for us – a submission of one’s self, of one’s being, of one’s soul, for any living and existing soul there is no matter what, regardless of faith and upbringing.

Every time I talk about fate's reasons of all I am going through right now, I can't help but be nostalgic - a question of why all the pain after all the strives and sufferings, of difficulty to understand and grasp all that there is right now, of why certain things needed to happen. It made and continuously makes me breed butterflies in my stomach every time thoughts such as these go 'round my mind. My paranoia's slowly eating me. I hope someday, sooner or later, I will have that strength and courage to face the world again with head held high and heart willing to embrace such enormous change no one dares to.

These are the derailments in me – a transition of all my emotions and being; a pilgrimage in search of truth, justice, peace, friendship and love.

With all these in you, we may be able to find that happiness our hearts have long been longing for. We turn away from making a barrier out of the fantasies we always deem real. We get to accept the world and its imperfections and ignore all our disillusionments, anxieties, infirmity and bewilderments. We unleash our capacities to think harmoniously with the world and everything there is and have that creativity in looking towards life in a very optimistic way. Sooner or later, we begin to see clearly the mode in which we can affect the world, its people and by the manner that we too are affected by it. We begin to see that our wreckness changes into clearness, our entrapments to liberty, dissatisfaction and forlorn to exhilaration, and our anxieties to tranquillity. “For he who pursues righteousness and kindness will find life and honor (Proverbs 21:21).”