Custom Search

Monday, July 28, 2008

i aM sTiLL ThaT JoSepH


After my father’s “Benign Mutation”, another wave came. This wave was the “Severe Military Torture” – an upgrade to the low-level oral aversion of 1996.
This time, I experienced yet another agonizing moment that would depict the Passion of Christ.
I can still remember the perfect display of my acts; kneeling on mongo seeds and rock salt, belt-buckle whipping, and getting locked on the comfort room are a few examples of my arduous punishments.

Would it be reasonable to hurt somebody due to plain emotional instability and pure fascist rule?
The former would be highly revocable to contend with the justification of prudent parental moral obligation but the latter was an intense freedom from the thought that I would never be able to experience a caring father forever.

But even after all that has happened, I still dreamt that one day, I would find a logical, reasonable, and acceptable explanation behind his inane hurting. I was the hopeful one among my kith and kin.

That even when everything went topsy-turvy, I would still be a Joseph who would be highly optimistic and dream that someday, everything would be fine.

It hurts.

It hurts a lot.


The pangs and the wounds didn’t seem to heal. I wouldn’t dream that after a few weeks, months, or a year, I would still suffer the same, if not more, than what I had received from the iron clad, rock hard grip of my father’s hands.

But sadly, he still was the never tiring abusive head of the nearly crumbling home that we used to know.

Now, he treats us like toys – enjoying the pointless battering and unexplainable blabbering. It was the complete transformation of a once humane father to a monster I wish I never had known before.

At the occurrence of remembering what had happened, I can’t help myself but cry– of how dad beat mom up, of how he maltreated us, of how he placed me inside a sack, hang me upside down and of how he planned of shooting me at the head, of how he punched me and of how I suffered the pain it caused.
to be continued...


Anonymous said...

physical pain fades, but the emotional and psychological scars never go away.

it's like watching a psychological movie. it's unthinkable that someone had to go through such torture, 'monstrosity' if i must. i never really imagined that dads like yours actually existed; i thought it was just some stories that people made up.

disturbing. and to think you still have not shared the fourth stage of your father's "mutation".

am i prepared to read the final installment? no. but i'm looking forward to it.

TENTAY™ said...

oh my... hindi na to basta basta... bakit ka nya sinasaktan ng ganyan? yung mga kwento mo na mungo seeds etc, stereotype na yon, pero ur dad pointing a gun on your head? planning to shoot you?!? anong meron?! bakit sya ganon?!

mico hangang ngayon ba ganyan paden???

Jake Tornado said...

Tsk, tsk...

This is plain abuse,plain and simple.

A gross violation of Republic Act 7610 (Anti-Child Abuse Law) and Republic Act 9262 (Anti-Violence Against Women and Children Act of 2004).

When will people learn?

My hugs and heart for you, dude.

jericho said...

this is heavy stuff ..:(

Mico Lauron said...

@flinch: i totally agree. di nawawala ng ganun lang ang sakit na dulot ng mga karanasan ng isangtao.

pero so far, mukhang ok na din naman ako. i dont have any idea kung saan na tatay ko. malay ko ba. hahaha! peace!

@tentay: di ko pa din lubos maintindihan ang lahat ng nangyari tentay. pero i am trying to kahit vague.

hmm... di na kmi nagkikita eh. matagal-tagal na din. d ko nga din alam kung san xa ngyn.

@jake: thanks jake. i feel better knowing a lot of people care too. thanks so much. i appreciate it. :)

@echo: kadahilanan kung bat makulay ang buhay ko. :)

Miss Elle said...

i agree with flinch, it's the emotional wound that are difficult to heal, however, no matter how sadistic your father have been, I hope you'll be open to forgiveness. Doesn't have to be now, but maybe one day... :)

Mico Lauron said...

@miss elle: yes i do acknowledge that too... :) i have been, in the depths of my heart, trying to forgive him. it has been years now. pero mahirap talaga. naiinis ako pagnaaalala ko ang lahat. gusto ko siyang saksakin sa mukha!

Miss Elle said...

well, anger is part of the healing process. sometimes it is healthier to express anger than keeping it inside you. But I do hope you won't express it in the way you said it. Not literally. hehe. I know you're a good man and on this process, becoming better so i believe you wont do such a thing because your love for God is bigger than the hatred that you feel. Another thing I believe is this: that you don't want to end up being like him. :)

Mico Lauron said...

@miss elle: yes i totally agree - i dont want to end up like him. ever!

mahirap magsalita ng patapos but i am trying my very best not to become like him. kung meron man, insecurities cguro. my dad is one heck of a very insecured guy and so am i.