I have been too troubled the past weeks. Nothing comes into my head. My depression ate all the literary thoughts I have been having. I tried fighting back but everything was in vain. It was painful, devastating.
It started when my grandfather died. Then everything came rushing in - like a domino. Twas unstoppable. I didn't see it coming. It has almost been a month now. I am trying to regain strength - emotionally.
It was only this past day when I read something so sweet, so assuring.
"Dear soldier, I see that you're tired. I tell you, drop your sword and put down your shield."
Yes, I was tired. Too tired of fighting another battle in my life.
"Why worry about the fight?"
I wanted to save myself. I needed to be strong. I should. I must. So I thought.
"After all, it's not your battle. It's mine"
Yours? Then why am I in all these bullcrap then?
"All you have to do is to be in the battle field."
And then what? Get myself killed? Lose everything again? Pathetic!
"Then, against the thousand who tried to destroy you, there I will stand and rescue you."
It did not happen only once. If my mind would serve me right, yes I was there. They tried to destroy me. They won. My failure prevailed. Where were you?
"Winning this war requires neither me nor you but rather ME AND YOU."
All hope is gone. I am weak - too weak to fight, to weak to lose, to weak to win.
"Just do your best."
I always do. But it never seemed to fall into place.
"I'll take care of the rest."
Yes, yes I'll rest.
"Your commander, Jesus"
It won't be easy - to let things be. To let it go. To silently face each day hoping and believing that everything will be okay. I know it won't. I know it'll never be. Things aren't the same anymore. Not anymore. It'll never be. Never.
I am just a soldier.