It has been raining in Dumaguete City three days ago. Along with the rain were my hopes and memories of love gone past – of broken dreams and promises. “The heavens are crying for me too”, I console myself. Then again, neither the rain nor the heat of the sun can clearly explain what my heart has been yearning.
It’s sickening to dwell on the past. It kills you slowly day by day. It is uncertain. It is unsustainable. It kills. But I have endured all these – of waiting in vain, of loving unconditionally, of giving my time and of being sincere with my thoughts and actions. Somehow, it wasn’t enough. I am beginning to hate but my memories of those days paint a smile on my face.
For all these years, I have wanted to prove the world wrong about all these. I was optimistic. I was hopeful that one day he will be able to see my worth, my love. That we can both conquer the world and see the beautiful sunrise. But even before it has begun, it has dawned in me, that this is a start of a sunset – a mark of a dead star’s perplexing light. It has been too gentle and captivating but all we see are remains of a shine that once was there – a light that have shined years ago but isn’t actually there anymore.
I have convinced myself that that star is still there – endlessly illuminating me. I will still have to convince myself more and make myself believe that that star is still shining for me. For me and me alone.
But it isn’t just the case.
The other night, I saw a falling star. It was fascinating. It was blue. Then I made a wish, “Please let him be happy for the rest of his life.” My conscience was talking to me, “Why wish for his happiness when you can wish for his love?”
It made me think. I realized and thought, “Because I don’t want him to love me just because of a wish.”
I wished on a falling star – on a dying star.
I have fixed my gaze on that star for quite some time now. For five years, six months, and eleven days to be exact – 17th of May, 2004 at 2:00am. The star’s light was slowly fading since the 28th of May, 2004 at 8:00pm. It is dead now, 28th of November, 2009 at 12:44am.
The light of that star shines still, that I am sure of. But that light shined years ago. And it takes hundred of light years for a star’s shine to reach the earth.
And I know that that star isn’t there for me anymore. It was shining for someone else.
I am a star, too, you see.
I am like all those stars.
Dead.
